Shoetubers: It’s Man Week. All week, we’ll be featuring men’s shoes, men’s opinions and men’s fashion. Excited? Us too. Our first post for Man Week is from local college student Mark. We asked Mark to tell us what he thought of some of the shoes on Heels.com. This is what he had to say. Enjoy.
Prior to commencing this entry, I should own up to the fact that I, the writer of this piece, am not a shoe expert. I am a twenty-year-old male. I have two pairs of shoes: one for funerals and one for everything else (and, in case you’re wondering, both smell truly, truly awful). I will, however, do my best to bring a male point of view to this wonderful world of footwear. The following are the top 5 shoes that caught my eye while perusing www.heels.com
1) Jessica Simpson: Okleann boot – Dust
I think we can all agree that the 1980s were a terrific time for fashion, for both men and women. In fact, if it wouldn’t get me physically assaulted, I would totally wear leather pants, denim jackets and cowboy boots everyday (instead of just on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Sundays). If all were right in the world, dressing like Motley Crue would be totally acceptable. However it is not – unless you’re female, which is why I dig these boots.
Jessica Simpson made these boots, or at least designed them, or at the very least owns a Venezuelan sweatshop that pumps these babies out a nickel a pair (unsubstantiated). And that doesn’t surprise me, because looking at Jessica Simpson today (well, maybe five years ago), she looks remarkably similar to Vince Neil in 1985. Of course, Jessica is much better looking; mainly due to the lack of cocaine, heroin, and male… parts. Regardless, it’s completely acceptable for women to dress like it’s the 80s. Other women may look at you and say, “Wow, that’s awesomely ironic that she’s wearing cowboy boots and teased her hair as high as the ceiling,” but men (or at least this writer), will think you look totally bitchin’.
2) Steven by Steven Madden – Huntley – Natural
If you’re over the age of nine and still playing cowboys and Indians, I have the perfect shoes for you! These “ankle booties” (“sandal-y half boots”, to the uninformed) are perfect for seducing your cowboy opponents, and subsequently pretending to tie them up in order to steal their imaginary horse, all before the nurse calls you in for pills and naptime.
There are “strappy cutouts” (“holes”) so your feet won’t overheat during playtime, and a 4 ¼ inch stiletto heel, which I assume is to make you taller to scare away any potentially dangerous imaginary buffalo.
Let’s just say that Sacagawea would have worn these puppies if she wanted some nookie while exploring the west. So, Meriwether, you ever sleep in a cone made of dried deer skin?
3) Kelsi Dagger – Catarina – White
This shoe, I believe, is part of the current NASA-chic movement. The one that has women eating paste out of tubes and making a walkie-talkie sound effect before and after they speak. As far as I can tell, they seem to be part sandal, part moon-boot, a perfect combination for a manned mission to the moon during those hot summer months. If you want Buzz Aldrin’s undivided attention, get a pair of these bad boys. One night he’ll look up in the sky and say, “Whoa, is that the sun?!” No it isn’t. It’s the moon. And it just got a lot hotter.
4) Emilio Pucci - Heel –Blue
I was curious how expensive shoes on heels.com were. I was surprised to find out that this pair was over four hundred dollars. The most expensive shoes I ever bought were 50 dollars, and I liked them because there was a pouch at the toe filled with blue-green slime. I was a seriously fashion forward middle schooler.
Anyway, the Pucci heel is the most expensive “party shoe” on the website, and I have to say, I’m unimpressed. The only way I would buy a shoe for 400 dollars is if it came with an envelope filled with 350 dollars. These heeled sandals (“Sandeels”) are quite vibrant. I guess the only way to classify these is to say that they are “Florida-sexy”, which is to say “everywhere else they’re trashy”.
5) Guess – Narlene 3 – Black Multi Synthetic
Heels.com describes these heels as “sassy,” but I see no evidence that would make me associate these shoes with Whoopi Goldberg in Sister Act 2. Whatever the reason, these shoes are really, very, absolutely, no-doubt-about-it… meh. The only thing I really like about these is the buckle on the toe. It reminds me of pilgrims at Thanksgiving. Perhaps next November one woman could wear these and another could wear the previously mentioned sexy-Sacagawea shoes. They could pull apart the wishbone, and if history repeats itself, the Native American woman will get the short end and be violently pushed out of her homeland by the Colonists, all before Grandma’s apple cobbler.
What do you think of Mark’s post? Tell us in the comments!