Ugly Shoes I Would Never Wear
I have no desire to stand out. Perhaps that is a negative personality trait (and explains my irrational hatred of the teenager on my bus that wears a fedora), but it also guarantees that I won’t be walking around in bright orange and silver shoes. Bright, florescent, and oddly shaped shoes seem to be very popular in America (and also Miami) and I am not quite sure why.
Get them here!
I’m pretty sure these were inspired by the hybrid Michael Jordan biography/Looney Toons sci-fi animated comedy, Space Jam. They could have also been given away as the second level consolation prize on 90s children’s television game show Legends of the Hidden Temple. “No thanks, Kirk, I think I’ll just take two of the cans of tuna fish.” Common sense would indicate that these would appeal to a very limited group of people (“freaks”), but this doesn’t seem to be the case, as they are being sold for 374 dollars. That kind of dough could buy Nickelodeon enough tuna fish for an entire season of losers’ consolation prizes.
(For the classy hobo.)
John Varvatos X Lace Boot
Get them here!
My shoelaces never seem long enough to tie well, but this is too much. These boots look like they’d be perfect for Indiana Jones, a hobo, or some awesome combination of both. They wouldn’t allow these in prisons though, because prisoners tend to try to commit suicide by hanging themselves with shoelaces. (Between that and making prison-wine in their toilets, these guys make MacGyver look like a total amateur.)
The interesting (or ridiculous) thing about these boots (besides the, you know, laces wrapped around the whole damn thing) is that the laces serve no purpose. There is a zipper at the side to hold the shoe on your foot. The zipper is on the side to, according to the product information, “keep those stylish laces in place.” Right.
As unnecessary, stupid, and impractical as these may seem, they are on to something. Someone should make a pair of sneakers with laces on the front, but a hidden zipper on the side. It’s the perfect idea! There’s a zipper so you don’t need to tie your shoes if you don’t want to, and there’s laces so you don’t look like someone who doesn’t want to tie their shoes. I realize there’s no joke at the end of this paragraph, I am just too enthralled with the idea of never having to tie my shoes again to think of one.
(“For the man who wants to look ridiculous in America, but conservative in Switzerland.”)
Vivienne Westwood Man Seditionary Boot
Get them here!
Where do I start? The wooden heel? The white leather top half? The black leather bottom half? The buckles? (Which, incidentally, are the only shoelace alternatives I would pass up on.)
Remember when Forrest Gump had to wear leg braces attached to his shoes? If these were the only pair available, he would pass on them. Not only that, but he would wait outside the shoe store and kick the ass of whoever bought them; probably while laying on the ground, because there’s no way that kid’s going to stand up with two bum legs.
But to be fair, they’re only $562.00… I’ll take four!
Of these three pieces of footwear, I think the worst pair is the first one. The multi colored, shiny sneaker. Yes, the other ones have buckles and fake laces, but you could pass those off as shoes for a Halloween costume. An ungodly expensive Halloween costume, but a costume nonetheless. No, these sneakers earn a special kind of hatred in my, and hopefully your, heart. People actually wear these. My theory is that this trend of obscenely colorful sneakers will only come to its logical conclusion when people begin stuffing their feet in the mouths of peacocks. (Suggested retail value: $654.95)
BONUS: Ugly Shoes I Totally Would Wear
(“For the lazy, the incapable, and the clinically depressed.”)
Propet Men’s LifeWalker
Get them here!
It kind of makes me angry that people can wear shoes like those Adidas’s in public without any scrutiny, but my yearning to wear Velcro sneakers falls on deaf ears. (Editor’s note: We think Velcro sneakers are the footie pajamas of the shoe world and will continue to ensure that our offices are free of them. We’re looking at you Mark.) I am not passionate about a lot of things, but Velcro shoes are one subject I have strong opinions about (the others include the merits of Steve Guttenberg in popular culture and also why it isn’t totally absurd to take a semester off of college to acquire the necessary funds to purchase a KISS pinball machine).
Let’s face it, the Velcro sneaker industry is doing fine. Not only does it have a stronghold on those under the age of nine and over the age of eighty, they are also quite popular in America’s prisons. (Most prisons prohibit shoes with laces, most likely for the same reason shotguns can’t be sold in Seattle.)
As previously mentioned, it is quite inconvenient to tie your shoes. My shoelaces aren’t long enough to tie properly, so they come undone roughly seven times a day. Usually when I complain about this people tell me to buy longer laces, but they’re just scared (and I’m just lazy). They’re scared that the next day I’m going to walk up to them wearing a pair of plain white sneakers with two Velcro straps holding them on my feet all day. Sure, they’ll joke about how I wake up from my afternoon nap after a rousing game of shuffleboard, watch PBS at 7:30, and then hit the hay. But secretly they’re yearning for the day when they can wear Velcro shoes in peace. And until that day, every time they bend over to tie their shoes I’ll be there waiting, ready to make a fart noise.
Editor’s Note: Right after finishing this post, Mark found out that Nike just patented plans for self-lacing sneakers. Needless to say, Mark was VERY excited.
What Bond would wear on his feet, that’s how we approached writing this post. We here at Shoetube are huge fans of the suit and no one wears it quite as well as our favorite Bond, Daniel Craig. There are plenty of sites online that will give you the run down on how to properly wear a suit, but there isn’t a lot of advice out there on what to wear on your feet. Allow us to help you out:
Basic Tips to Keep in Mind
- If you’re going to wear dress shoes, wear a belt, particularly if you’re going to tuck your shirt in. If you don’t, you’ll look sloppy.
- Your belt should match your shoes in both color and finish, i.e. black shiny shoes, black shiny belt.
- Use the “Rule of Thumb”: If the belt is about as wide as your thumb or thinner, it’s a dress belt. If it is wider than your thumb, it is a casual belt. Wear the right belt for the right occasion.
- If you’re wearing a suit, your socks should match your suit, i.e. navy suit, black shoes, navy socks. If you are wearing a light suit with dark shoes, the color of your socks should be a shade between the color of your suit and the color of your shoes.
- Oxblood (burgundy) shoes are a great color option for dress shoes. You can wear them with almost any color suit and they pop just a little bit more than the standard dark brown or black shoes.
- Real leather only! Synthetic shoes will wear poorly and will look cheap.
- Consider a pair of dress shoes an investment. If they are properly made, they will outlast nearly everything else in your closet.
John Varvatos: Dress Oxford - Black Calf Skin
Get them here!
Cole Haan: Air Garrett Wing Tip - Burgundy
Get them here!
Gucci: Perforated Penn Loafers - Black Leather
Get them here!
Alden Mark: Monk Strap Medallion Cap Toe - Black
Get them here!
Men, what do you think of our picks? Ladies, do you have a thing for suits like us?
Shoetubers: It’s Man Week. All week, we’ll be featuring men’s shoes, men’s opinions and men’s fashion. Excited? Us too. Our first post for Man Week is from local college student Mark. We asked Mark to tell us what he thought of some of the shoes on Heels.com. This is what he had to say. Enjoy.
Prior to commencing this entry, I should own up to the fact that I, the writer of this piece, am not a shoe expert. I am a twenty-year-old male. I have two pairs of shoes: one for funerals and one for everything else (and, in case you’re wondering, both smell truly, truly awful). I will, however, do my best to bring a male point of view to this wonderful world of footwear. The following are the top 5 shoes that caught my eye while perusing www.heels.com
1) Jessica Simpson: Okleann boot – Dust
I think we can all agree that the 1980s were a terrific time for fashion, for both men and women. In fact, if it wouldn’t get me physically assaulted, I would totally wear leather pants, denim jackets and cowboy boots everyday (instead of just on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Sundays). If all were right in the world, dressing like Motley Crue would be totally acceptable. However it is not – unless you’re female, which is why I dig these boots.
Jessica Simpson made these boots, or at least designed them, or at the very least owns a Venezuelan sweatshop that pumps these babies out a nickel a pair (unsubstantiated). And that doesn’t surprise me, because looking at Jessica Simpson today (well, maybe five years ago), she looks remarkably similar to Vince Neil in 1985. Of course, Jessica is much better looking; mainly due to the lack of cocaine, heroin, and male… parts. Regardless, it’s completely acceptable for women to dress like it’s the 80s. Other women may look at you and say, “Wow, that’s awesomely ironic that she’s wearing cowboy boots and teased her hair as high as the ceiling,” but men (or at least this writer), will think you look totally bitchin’.
2) Steven by Steven Madden – Huntley – Natural
If you’re over the age of nine and still playing cowboys and Indians, I have the perfect shoes for you! These “ankle booties” (“sandal-y half boots”, to the uninformed) are perfect for seducing your cowboy opponents, and subsequently pretending to tie them up in order to steal their imaginary horse, all before the nurse calls you in for pills and naptime.
There are “strappy cutouts” (“holes”) so your feet won’t overheat during playtime, and a 4 ¼ inch stiletto heel, which I assume is to make you taller to scare away any potentially dangerous imaginary buffalo.
Let’s just say that Sacagawea would have worn these puppies if she wanted some nookie while exploring the west. So, Meriwether, you ever sleep in a cone made of dried deer skin?
3) Kelsi Dagger – Catarina – White
This shoe, I believe, is part of the current NASA-chic movement. The one that has women eating paste out of tubes and making a walkie-talkie sound effect before and after they speak. As far as I can tell, they seem to be part sandal, part moon-boot, a perfect combination for a manned mission to the moon during those hot summer months. If you want Buzz Aldrin’s undivided attention, get a pair of these bad boys. One night he’ll look up in the sky and say, “Whoa, is that the sun?!” No it isn’t. It’s the moon. And it just got a lot hotter.
4) Emilio Pucci - Heel –Blue
I was curious how expensive shoes on heels.com were. I was surprised to find out that this pair was over four hundred dollars. The most expensive shoes I ever bought were 50 dollars, and I liked them because there was a pouch at the toe filled with blue-green slime. I was a seriously fashion forward middle schooler.
Anyway, the Pucci heel is the most expensive “party shoe” on the website, and I have to say, I’m unimpressed. The only way I would buy a shoe for 400 dollars is if it came with an envelope filled with 350 dollars. These heeled sandals (“Sandeels”) are quite vibrant. I guess the only way to classify these is to say that they are “Florida-sexy”, which is to say “everywhere else they’re trashy”.
5) Guess – Narlene 3 – Black Multi Synthetic
Heels.com describes these heels as “sassy,” but I see no evidence that would make me associate these shoes with Whoopi Goldberg in Sister Act 2. Whatever the reason, these shoes are really, very, absolutely, no-doubt-about-it… meh. The only thing I really like about these is the buckle on the toe. It reminds me of pilgrims at Thanksgiving. Perhaps next November one woman could wear these and another could wear the previously mentioned sexy-Sacagawea shoes. They could pull apart the wishbone, and if history repeats itself, the Native American woman will get the short end and be violently pushed out of her homeland by the Colonists, all before Grandma’s apple cobbler.
What do you think of Mark’s post? Tell us in the comments!
Gucci: Karen boots - Olive Suede
$2,250.00 at Saks Fifth Avenue
Dior: Intrigante boots - Brown
$1,690.00 at Saks Fifth Avenue
(Only Black available)
Burberry Prorsum: Stretch Leather Thigh High Platform Boot
$1,495.00 at Nordstrom
Alexander McQueen thigh high boots
No idea where to find them. Ladies?
Yes, we went there.
We feel like this is a fairly timely piece considering her recent stint in the news. Juggalos, fans of hip hop group Insane Clown Posse, threw rocks, beer bottles and… poop at Tila while she was on stage. The article makes a good point:
She was due to sing at the hip hop concert in front of a bunch of fans who take their music and bands seriously, so seriously that most of them come made up in clown faces. Tequila is not at all the type of performer who should have been booked at this affair. This is on the promoters; they should have done their homework.
To give you a little more background on her, she was born in Singapore to Vietnamese parents. Her family moved to Texas after Tila was born. In middle school she started becoming a pretty troubled kid. She stole her older sister’s ID and used it to get into nightclubs where she started doing drugs and joined a gang. The girl had a pretty rough start. She never went to college, saying she just always wanted to be in the entertainment industry. She got her start in “show business” when a Playboy scout spotted her at a mall and offered her a test shoot. She’s most famous for becoming the most popular artist on Myspace circa April 2006 and her reality show “A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila” where Tila openly dated both men and women.
Some people really like a professional wardrobe. Tila’s fashion sense is definitely “professional”. Unfortunately, her “professional” is more of the paying for sex variety. (Remember, she did get her start modeling for Playboy.) Her casual outfits are always tight, revealing and, sorry Tila, cheap looking. Cutoff shorts, heels and a see-through white shirt is pretty standard fare for her.
When Tila is allowed onto a red carpet somewhere, the ridiculousness doubles. She’s been seen in black leather pants, a corset top and buckled high heel boots slinging her leg around her current boyfriend or girlfriend, but her favorite outfit seems to be the lolita-like cocktail dress, sky-high heels and a tiara. What are you trying to tell us Tila? Do you need some attention?
We feel sort of weird bashing Tila Tequila. She seems like she might be a pretty nice person but she’s had a hard childhood that led her to make some seriously misguided choices. She needs a good friend to sit her down and let her know that she’s a beautiful person that doesn’t need to constantly put it all out there. Tila, we know you have a nice body. You don’t need to show 90% of it off at all times. We like dressing sexy too but there is a time and a place. Our general rule of thumb for keeping it classy is if you wouldn’t wear it front of your grandparents, then don’t wear it in public. Throw a shirt on over that bra Tila.